Hello Eddie, this is Olivier.
Kiet
went back from Bangkok yesterday evening. He spent 4 days there, working, meeting
supplyers and other boring things (actually, I prefer him not to have time to go to a
sauna or other gay places, what he would anyway never do without me, I'm sure :-) ) Kiet
was very happy to get your answer. I don't think he will have time this evening to write
to you, as we have friends coming for diner. I hope you don't mind if I then reply
to you myself.
Quite an
intersting stoty of yours, indeed ! I can understand why you wonder if you're really gay
or not, even if, in the end, I don't believe it is that important to be sure about it.
What I could do is to tell you my own experience, it wil maybe helps you to see things
clearlier.
As far as I remember, I have always been attracted by boys first,
and men later. This is just a very usual thing
when you're a child I suppose : every boys prefer to be and play with other boys. But I
can tell there was a difference with me because I already, even very young, felt a sort of
love to one or another of my mates.
Around twelve years old or so, boys start to speak about girls, they don't dare yet to go
to talk to them in the school play-yard, but they makes jokes about them. I didn't. Girls
didn't interest me at all it seems. But then, just because when you're young you must act
like your mates, I started to flirt whith girls in school, whithout real feelings. I was
in every ways much closer from my best friends (boys always have "best friends")
than to any of those girls I danced with during parties.
Then, when I was 13, it happened that my then best friend stayed to
sleep in my home. He was very cute, already manly, taller and more muscular than me
indeed. I was laying in my bed, he was on a matress on the floor nearby.
We started to speak about a beautiful girl of our class. He was
telling me all what he would do with her if they could be together in the same bed.
Pretending that our voices would awake my parents, he asked me (or did I do it by myself
?) to come to lay down with him on the floor, in order to ontinue to discuss less loudly.
I assume we both knew what was going to happen, but I don't cleary remember. What I
remember is that he told me he would put is arm "like this"on her shoulders (and
he did it to me), he would caress his head (and so did he with mine). A second later, we
were kissing like crasy. We caressed each other's body and eventually, we masturbated and
came all over the matress. We did it again as often as possible (his parents where blind
enough to always give us a private room when I stayed to sleep at their place) for the
rest of the year. I don't know about him, but I wasn't ashame at all of what we were doing
together. I really didn't wonder if we were gays or not. The next year, we were not
anymore in the same class, it became less easy to see each other, and I as was very
in love with another boy, our story faded and finished. I would love to know wher he
is now, if he's become gay or not, but I have no idea how to contact him. I'll maybe try
to find him on internet one day...
Anyhow, I was then in love with another boy as I said, and this was
my first experience of love. Or should I say passion rather than love ? I felt mighty when
I was with him, very sad and useless when I was not, I was dreaming about him, I died to
do with him what I have done with the other one.
But this never happened. That new friend was very straight and even
if we spoke openly about masturbation and
other sexual matters, even if he knew I had slept with a boy before, he never let me touch
him. I didn't care. Sexe was not an issue. It was much less risky to fantazise on him
while playing with myself than to try to force him to do what he didn't want to do. The
last thing I wanted in the world was to loose is friendship. To be with him just as a
friend -a "best friend"actually, was enough to make me happy. Then my father get
another job in another town, we moved and I lost contact with him. I was devastated. I
thought I would never felt the same feeling again. But I did of course, quite later
though.
In this new town, I was 15 at that time, I knew nobody. It was like
a new life's start. Maybe that's why I forgot for a while that I prefered boys. I suppose
I was quite a handsome young man (I'm not actually) because girls seemed to be
interested in me. I sort of collected girls friends during this period. It took me quite a
long time though to really make love with one. Funilly enough, it happened while I
was in love with the young brother of one of my school girl mates. He was what I
considered then the most cute guy on earth. Younger than me (all my later boy
friends have been, and so is Kiet who is 33, I'm being 35), slim and well shaped. He had
actually, though caucasian, what I realise today to be an asian body. This guy had a
girl friend whom had a "best girl friend" whom herself became my girl
friend. We made love together, but I must confess that I found it very boring compared to
my experience with my first lover. I'm sure that, making love with her, I was thinking to
the boy I was in love with...
He was straight unfortunately, but year after year, we became very
very close friends. We were always together, we spent all our vacation together, played
music together, everything. He was well awared of course of my love to him, but he
accepted it (By the way, it was at that time too that I accepted myself as gay, not that
it had ever been a problem but I didn't think of me as a gay before.) He even tried to
figure out if he could become gay himself, to please me. He let me often massage
him, he was ok to let me masturbate him, he even liked to be sucked, but one just can't
become gay if one is not from the beginning I'm affraid. Or maybe it was to
difficult for him to assume.
He absolutely
didn't want us to be seen as a couple. I suppose our friends and parents knew, but nothing
ever was clearly said, and hecontinued to have a girl friend. Our story ended
because of her actually. She was quite a "hot" one this girl ! She was my age
and seemed to consider my friend as being a bit young for her. She started to cruise me. I
stupidly thought that it would be a good thing for me if I could prove to my lover boy
that this girl was not fair to him. So I slept with her and told him I had done so. First
he was furious, he felt I had betrayed him. Then he started to think that maybe we could
live together, the 3 of us... But she of course didn't want this. She wanted me just for
her. She tried to persuade me to let him down. I replied I was in love with him, not with
her... What a shock, I tell you ! She couldn't believe me. Here I made the terrible
mistake to tell her all what we had done together him and I for almost five years. She was
so upset that she went to ask him if it was true. He denied of course. He didn't want to
be seen as a gay by is own (ex) girl friend ! Eventually, he
decided that our friendship was a too heavy burden for him. He told me he was very sad of
it but that we couldn't go on this way, that it was over. I have never seen him since.
All this, my dear Eddie, to tell you that from my
experience,you don't have to care about the gender of who you
love. I believe that some gays can sleep with a woman and some can't (Kiet can't), that
some straights can sleep with a man and some can't.. It's of course important to know if
you're gay or not, but as it exists a wild range of possibilities, it can be more or less
impossible to be sure. The one and only proof you can get comes from your heart, not from
your balls. Like you, I have never been in love with a woman. Let's say I'm gay then, why
not.The only thing that now matters to me is my love for Kiet (and his love for me, sure).
In this sens, I could say that I am nor gay nor staight, I'm just Kiet's lover.
What I call love is not the kind of feeling that two close
friends can share, as strong as it can be. For me, love is what one feels for the person
one wants to live with, for the person one wants to sleep and make love with. I
believe that love without sexe is a mistake, it can't last, it can't make you completely
happy. I believe that one can abuse oneself and calls love what is something else. Love
must be shared. If you love someone whom loves you back in a different way than yours, if
your feelings are strongers than his (or hers), or if your desires are differents, then it
is not love, but just the illusion of love. It only shows that you want and need to
love,but it's a one way feeling, something that isn't shared and therefore unreal. For
instance, I'm sure now that what I felt for those two boys I told you about was not love.
It was a
tremendous need of love. What some calls passion. It gave me some unforgetable moments of
pleasure, but no satisfaction. And it leaded eventually to a lot of pain and devastation
for all of us. Living with Kiet, I know now that love is not painfull, it's not a storm
that kick you up to the highest spheres. It's peacefull, it's warm, it creates energy
instead of burning it. And as it's rooted in the deepest of yourself, it's a liberation,
the only way of offering and using the best of you.
So ! I feel a bit guilty to write such a long message to you ! What
will think your boss when he sees you spending half an hour reading your mails ?
It's 12h15, Kiet will shortly come back from work, it's time to go ! Have a very
nice day, Eddie, talk to you soon, Love
Olivier & Kiet
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Revised: avril 26, 2000.
